a wierd relax night of thoughts...

its kind of wierd tonight cos cheerleading is officially over last night and there is no more training... kind of feel uncomfortable thru out the body cos there is no longer cheerleading at night to fill my night activities... i kind of miss eveything... yesterday night before i went to sleep i was thinking thru all the moves in cheerleading and gather a lot of thoughts... its just so amazing... i want to retain that feeling but i know that can only be part of my memory... i will not get that feelings back again...

The hard work, injuries and late night was paid off... there was no fail stunts or whatsoever... everything went so smoothly... it was great... the crowd, the atmosphere, the people in cheerleading... a scene i never forget for life... the excitment when everything was completed so beautifully... the sound of the cheering crowds... i remembered i was close to tears when we completed everything... i cannot believe all the hard work had paid off in such beautiful manner and the atmosphere and the looks of all the hall 5 cheerleaders.... i felt tears of joy... althought we did not win nor get into top 3 but its very well done... all our efforts did not go to waste...



THANK YOU SO MUCH HALL 5 CHEERLEADERS! Its the most beautiful memory that will live in my heart and my mind... even my memories of bowling last time cannot replace it... U all made it! Its great doing cheerleading with you all... the fun, joy, injuries and the hard work... I LOVE YOU ALL!

anyway something worth mentioning... a guy was performing stunts and dislocated his arm halfway thru and yet he pushes on doing stunts and put his arm back while performing... he pushes on despite the injuries... Thats the spirit... the determination and not wanting to disappoint... for that i SALUTE him for whoever he may be for his determination and courage...

anyway will upload more pics of cheerleading soon... haha... did i mention i colour my hair red and silver for cheerleading? haha..

what should i do.....

sorry for the previous post... kind of upset but feel better... been too tired lately and not really doing well emotionally... anyway cheerleading is still going on and ya... that means burning of weekends and public holidays for the performance on 18th jan which is next wed... and the cold weather is making my knee going weak... there is always sharp pain at my knee when the weather turns cold and its really affecting me... just pray that it wun crumble soon... haha...

anyway these few days have been thinking thru... i dunno if i should stay in hall or should i change a hall or should i move hall... i love hall life... i like to stay in hall but there is something lacking from it... something that i am looking for in hall life... just cannot seems to find it... which is the bond between people just like the choir frens i had in tk choir.... i cannot find it and i dunno why... perhaps its me... its kind of disappointing cos i am scare of being alone... i hate to eat meal alone... hate to go lecture alone... i just hate being alone... i have to carry my ipod around so that the songs can accompany me and i must listen to songs when i sleep so that i dun feel that i am alone... wierd u might say but thats me... yup... i dunnno if changing halls will change things but moving back home might make things better... i dunnno also... i am confused... what should i do?
perhaps i should learn to be alone and learn to accept things... accept that humans are selfish by nature... accept that humans make use of each other... i try not to accept these thinkings but it seems to be this way... at least most of the people are these way except for a few that really help me a lot in hall...

i am wierd plus living in a world of complicated human relations... maybe i think too much sometimes... maybe its just me... maybe i should go rest... nights peeps...

questions...

sorry people... just let me express myself freely this time.....

why the fuck everytime things start to get better another disapointment comes in?! It just make everything worse everytime this happens..

why do i feel so many fucking disappointment? what the fuck am i fucking expecting? fuck myself... i hate myself this way...

why the fuck am i contributing so much when i can just fuck off and enjoy time with myself? and worst some dun even fucking bother...

what the fuck am i trying to prove with everything done during the holidays?!

why the fuck do i even bother to help with things when i know there are some people who wun even fucking help me when i am in need?

why the fuck i bother to do things for people when some people dun even fucking appreciate things i do?!

why the fuck am i doing so much?!

i am so fucking tired... tired of myself, tired of facing people, tired of hall, tired of every fuck shit... i dun wanna go home, i dun wanna stay in hall either.. where the fuck can i be?!

whatever... i need some fucking answer before i go bersek....

Looking back....

Happy new year pple! Kind of late... but well... at least i bother... its never too late! Well, didn't really go anyway... just hanging around with choir frens on the eve.. have a simple dinner and watch fireworks at marina square... anyway its the first day of school today.. nothing much... cheerleading still keeping me busy... anyway i met a new fren! His name is OBI... a black guy from Manchester University but lives in london... a arsenal fan he claim.. hahaha... so i will be watching man utd vs arsenal later with him!

Ever since 2006 arrive i have been looking back at 2005... thinking thru a lot of stuffs... Year 2005 hasn't been a really good yr for me... A lot of frustration in me and a lot of disappointment... Friends leaving me and meeting new friends as well... I thought i know how pple think but i am wrong... i can never know how pple think and feel... Maybe that causes the disappointment... cos i kept expecting things to be a certain way when it dun it just disappoint me... i thought some frens could be my fren for life but i am wrong... anyway new frens enter my life and gave me some comfort... yr 2005 made me realise a lot of things... in the whoole year... i become closer to some worthy frens that support me thru a lot of things... and allow me to see thru some that gave me on me... its not their fault... i know i am in the wrong... but i did try to make things better but they still gave up on me... i am sorry to these frens... they did the right thing perhaps... at least i know no matter what happen there will be some worthy frens behind me althought they might be leaving NTU soon or not in NTU... still some comforting words will be a call away... learn some stuffs this yr... my mum always ask me dun help pple cos i dun bear to see them suffer or out of pity or anything... cos if one day i need help... these pple will not help me out of pity... perhaps i should have heed her advice on certain occasion... some frens are really worth helping cos end of the end they give everything to help you and they really appreciate you... but some really disappoint me... helping them thru tough times dun mean anything to them also... and worst i dun even get appreciated... and i really hate that... to the core... so much things has change in a year... sometimes i just hate to see things changes... perhaps more of pple attitude towards me changes... yet i am not given a chance to explain... people just assume it to be this way...

Anyway year 2005 hasn't really been a very good year for me... one of the worst i hate... i just hope that this year will be a much better one for me... i want to be happy.. impossible for everyday to be happy but at least half of the year ba... I just want to be like myself in JC times.... where i got not much worries... Be like myself in secondary times.. where i made so much true frens and had so much fren... anyway to all... Happy new Year once again... hope you all have a great year ahead... :)

Oh ya and hope man utd win arsenal later! haha... it will be a good start for new year for me! hee....